A Guide To Opening - Step One
A month of noticing, opening, and rewiring ❀ A place to start ❀
Opening thoughts
You know, I have days where I notice people are finding themselves more. That we are progressing as a whole toward unity. That through increased accessibility and the age of information people are encountering the benefits of mentors, guides, and expanders with simplicity via the shared interest of an algorithm. Through apps we are influenced, inspired, and facilitated. It’s pretty incredible. You can have your qualms about the internet but the fact remains, when used in considered moderation it can be life altering.
Then there are days where I recognise there are many that still live in the prisms of their mind, that the algorithm only further feeds their limiting beliefs, closing in the walls that frame their corner of the universe. And I cant help but feel the social justice warrior rise in me. How can I help? Having been there myself, knowing what it’s like to have my eyes fixed at the ground for so many years, then to at last lift my site to the infinite beauty that was always here, awaiting me. It’s cliche, but for a reason. Trust me when I say one day, if you want it and are willing, something clicks, and life looks different. Your perspective shifts, and you are given proof that the lens you place on life matters.
Anyway. Here is a comprehensive, yet approachable guide to opening. To finding your personal truth, lifting what stands in the way, and leaning toward authenticity as your guidepost.
SIDE NOTE: This is but a whiff of the journey, my hope is that this and the series provides a place to start, I hope it assists you in expanding your mind and opens you toward a new direction. Everything I have ever shifted came at the culmination of information, a desire to change, a personal crux, and a willingness to receive. It takes time to acquire that little epiphany that helps it all click, for the mind, body, and soul to align, but you have to be on the path to get there.
Take it in, plant the seed, remain open and curious, do what you can to the best of your ability, listen and build trust in your internal guidance, follow what excites you, and the rest will come. I promise. Oh and stop saying you can’t, you can, it is just a matter of if you decide to.
Self Worth
First things first. I want to touch on self worth.
I would consider myself to have relatively high self worth (this was not always the case, and I certainly have moments where I question how high it really is), and these practices not only got me here, but they keep me here.
For those who feel a sense of self worth, however they may not nurture or celebrate it. I believe there will be some super helpful tips that will guide you closer to yourself.
And for those who are experiencing low self-worth, meaning, you dislike parts of yourself, your body, or use negative, self-critiquing language. I see you. The first step is noticing, and by you being here it seems you’ve already begun.
Confidence, Authenticity and the Truth
Secondly, let us take note that confidence and authenticity are buzzwords getting thrown around a lot at the moment. It’s almost like the new ‘cool’, a badge of honour to wear. And look, If you genuinely put in the hard, emotional, and consistent work of self discovery it's a badge you should wear, but my point is don’t get distracted by the shiny object like most. Commit to the very real journey of knowing yourself deeper.
I want you to know these are traits that are fostered. They are dug up, stretched, worked out, practiced, trialed, adjusted, figured out. There is a real dedication that comes with this. A willingness to be honest with yourself. To face the cold, hard facts.
Many of us aren’t willing to accept the truth of our addiction to self-hatred. To see the story we are obsessed with replaying. That somehow, in some way it serves a purpose. Whether that is shutting the world down before it shuts you down, minimising the perceived risk of your safety, or simply providing a great excuse to not adjust your lifestyle. There is a reason, understandably so, that you have landed here.
In this work we are seeking to highlight our ways of being that no longer serve us, and acquiring experiential proof of how making new choices with a different outlook can change everything.
SIDE NOTE: It is clear to me that some grow up in environments and encounter circumstances that foster confidence. In a sense their journey toward authenticity and self love was simple and easeful. As someone who didn’t necessarily have this experience - to no-one’s fault, it was just my path - I choose to not feel disheartened by this, but in fact grateful. I would hope throughout the lifetimes humans have spent on this earth, some have healed enough to facilitate healthy and secure children, or that the universe we occupy can indeed be consistently advantageous and joyous, that it’s not all about the other shoe dropping. To see this in real time is to see positive progression, to witness unconditional love, to know there isn’t only one way.
For some, it is our turn to do this healing. We get to be the change we wish to see. And we can either feel sorry for ourselves, and wallow in what might have been, or we can take control of our lives, and see the gift your experience has granted, acknowledge the depth of understanding and the nuance your experience provides. Then use it to be of service to others. It is all about choices.
The following brings in new practices to focus on weekly over the next month. Keep it light, but stay on track. These practices will follow you throughout the weeks but also will ideally run as a baseline for the rest of your life. For now this may seem foreign, that’s fine, we are rewiring and changing the way we approach our day to day. We are noticing the state of our unconscious minds, then working in new practices that refocus our values, and realign our system to our goals.
Week 1 - Noticing AND Nonjudgement
Whatever the change is you wish to see - it will take time, it requires practice, and it is something you choose until to sticks. The under current, what flows below all progression, is a deepening relationship with yourself, and this looks identical to the way you would build intimacy with another; requiring trust, grace, understanding, patience, mutual respect, a sincere devotion to connection. So step one is understanding where you are, accepting it, and committing to the road ahead.
Every journey you undertake, will require side quests. If I were to become an artist, not only would that require me to make art, but it would also demand a willingness to trial and discover the creative practice that works for me, notice my limitations and expand my skills through further learning, develop a social demeanour for networking, be willing to pursue my desires despite the differing opinions of others, etc.
The reason I say this is to get you in to a mainframe with will serve across the board.
For example:
If it is purely about developing self-worth, you will need to notice what other muscles require flexing. For me it was developing eye-contact and exploring what was beneath that (a fear of rejection), learning about masculine and feminine energy and how I primary lead with masculinity (for protection). And the list goes on. Do this one at a time, or at a pace that works for you, and gently notice, without judgement or dialogue, without attaching meaning.
Just notice & when you’re ready slightly adjust, then notice again.
If you are looking to specifics, like an inability to follow through on your goals, then you may want to remain present with how you feel in your body. What feelings come up around this pattern? Could that reveal to you a side quest of unravelling a fear of not doing enough, or perfectionism? Are you experiencing burn out? Do you need to change your approach? What are the beliefs that keep you stuck.
Every change starts at noticing AND non-judgement.
If you don’t yet know what you need to work on, but you feel a pull to change. Maybe whatever you’re going now isn’t working for you. That’s okay. Here are some examples of what you may begin to notice WITHOUT the presence of judgement. Very important.
How often do you return to negative self talk?
How often do you say supportive and comforting things to yourself?
Is it direct, blunt, or loud? Is it straight forward or indirect? Is it subtle, more laced in doubt, does it come out in the need for validation, or do you avoid the thought entirely?
Are you quick to anger?
Do you compliment people much? If so is it genuine or are you doing it for another reason? If not, why?
Is there a constant stream of thoughts running through your mind at all times?
What do you desire? What do you dream of doing / creating / being?
Do you lack decisiveness? Is that due to a lack of self trust, or a fear of getting it wrong? People pleasing?
Do you have decisions quickly? Does indecisiveness irritate you? Why?
Do you lack patience? What is the feeling that arises here? Why do you seek to shut it down so quickly?
What comparisons return if any? Is it about body image? Intelligence? Value? What do you believe being successful in these areas out mean? What would that grant you?
By no means is this the extent of noticing, nor is it a list you need to go down. These are all questions that are considered as ‘inner work’, even ‘shadow work’. They can reveal intense emotions, memories, ways of being that require real attentiveness and patience.
The point of the list isn’t for you to go away and fill the answers out, they are merely prompts to noticing. If you like question and answer style, I will have resources to inner and shadow work coming out soon. Let me know by expressing your interest. We are not seeking to ‘fix’, nor intellectualise. Step one is simply noticing, learning to lean in to neutral, non judgement, and be gently curious. ‘Okay this is happening, more than I realised, and it’s affecting a lot. I also notice I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Let me remind myself; this is the noticing part, it is normal to NOTICE, that comes with an awareness of my circumstance, emotions, and body. I decide to feel happy about this awareness, see it as progress, and choose to not attach meaning’
Overwhelm may begin to seep in here, the realisation of what your circumstances are, how large the gap is between where you are and where you want to be. This is okay. This is another opportunity to practice this new muscle, this new way of thinking. Instead of falling in to shame and disappointment, we can instead celebrate the recognition. The first step. You have pulled yourself from a state of unawareness, in to an awakened state of awareness. This is big. Very positive. There is a goal of unravelling what we have noticed, this happens slowly, with the environment of love and grace. This is our commitment and we focus on that.
Week 1 - Practicing the art of noticing with non-judgement. Notice how you feel, notice where you are vs where you aim to be, free yourself from meaning. Just notice.
Week 2 - Acceptance AND Action
As we start to notice the repetition of our thoughts, the stories that replay, we can begin to intercept. As we bring awareness to our line of thinking, we can look at it objectively, slow it down, and redirect the motion.
One of the simplest methods we can utilise when finding ourselves in a place of noticing, is ‘accept AND’. Accept the feeling, thought, event, circumstance, AND bring in an action, the bigger picture, a skill you have at your disposal.
For example, a phrase I used to say to myself a lot was “I am so lazy, I always have ideas of how I want to spend my days but I never follow through”
Working through this in real time required acceptance, and a plan moving forward. The acceptance is never about reinstating the shame of being ‘lazy’, it is about accepting this is my current circumstance, that the reality IS I am stuck in a cycle of wanting more but not doing more. I can see this from a neutral lens.
The ‘AND’ is reinstating you have control and choice. The existence of your situation AND an ability to change it can both be true. The lack of change does not equate a lack of ability. Reminding yourself that the option to change is there, as is your desire to do so, as are the next steps forward. This demystifies the feeling of stuckness, taking its power away.
I want you to take a moment to absorb these two teachings.
What keeps you stuck, influences your spiralling, reinstates your beliefs, ultimately takes your power away IS judgment and the illusion of helplessness.
The negative thoughts aren’t the issue so much as our judgement toward them. And our judgement toward our self though damaging, wouldn't have its foot on our neck if we didn’t believe we had no other choice.
I look at myself everyday with critical thoughts floating in, but the difference is I don’t grab on to them, I don’t attach meaning, I don’t engage in judgement. I simply notice. ‘ya, the wrinkles are prominent today’ then move on. I dont think about how that affects how attractive I am, I don’t let it lead to memories of rejection, or convince me of my low worth. I acknowledge that as a human being im going to lose collagen in my skin. Big whoop. I’ll get some skin care, drink more water, but most importantly I’ll do the work to accept the process of aging, perhaps I’ll even see it as beautiful.
And if I do find myself indulging in judgement, I remind myself that this is a choice I am making, and I intercept those thoughts with neutral non-judgement until it becomes second nature again.
The AND comes with an action step, this must be considered, intentionally doable, and realistic. The under-pinning of this work, or potentially biggest side quest, is rebuilding your relationship with yourself, so in these moments I think about trust and the importance of not to over promising to then under deliver. This will happen, but we want to limit it by setting ourselves up for success. We want to be honest with ourselves, and honour our wishes, just as we would a partner.
So, in saying this. Your AND might sound like:
A direct action like - tomorrow I will go for a walk regardless of my compulsion to stay home.
OR
A gentle reiteration leading to an action step (side quests) - yes I am stuck in this cycle, but I want to change and am progressing. I am allowing myself time to digest this change, though I have begun by maintaining a clean room, getting clear on how to manage my anxiety, ordering a self help book.
A side note on why acceptance and neutrality can be a great focus before moving in to positivity.
Often, I see a gap created when the solution to deep wounding, and tightly wound beliefs is positivity and affirmations. Don’t get me wrong, these techniques are important and can be incredibly helpful, but as someone who can lean on the more practical or pragmatic side of things, jumping in to what feels like falsities doesn’t feel helpful. It can feel a little avoidant of the root issue. So instead, I recommend neutrality, acceptance, and building a realistic connection to the solution. Seeing the way through rather than hoping yourself there. THEN we can start adding more affirming and brightening practices.
Week 2 - Begin to intercept the thoughts that you notice, bring in acceptance. Reinforce your willingness and choice by adding an action.
Week 3 - Celebrating not Compensating
There are layers to the way we approach the world, to how we protect ourselves. When we are looking at fostering a solid sense of self worth, confidence, and authenticity, it is super valuable to look at the way we make the world around us more digestible. Our crutches of sorts.
In my opinion and experience, one of the best areas to look outside of the direct and more obvious lines of thinking, is how we approach the success of others.
The beliefs we project on others are the beliefs we project within ourselves, and the beliefs we project within ourselves are the beliefs we project on others.
In other words, if we are critical of ourselves, we will inherently project that same impatience, same level of expectation, and same assumption of meaning on to everyone else.
For example:
‘Why would anyone make that kind of decision?’ Implying if you were in the same circumstance you would expect more of yourself, and therefore do something different?
‘That is embarrassing’ meaning this isn’t something you would allow yourself to do?
‘That is wrong’ meaning you are steadfast in your idea of right?
‘They are ugly’ meaning looks are more valuable to you than other forms of attraction? If not, why is that something you’d notice, let alone hold on to, let alone express without a second thought? Would it be safe to assume you notice the way you look and how you fall short before you notice other potentially more important, redeeming qualities?
What this actually does is impair our ability to be inspired by others, measure the distance of our goals, and accept the effort it takes. Which in turn primes us for action.
We are compensating for our short comings by assuming or looking for a short-coming in others. It makes our lack of action or effort easier to digest, by assuming the subject of our attack is doing the same. When the reality is, if they have something you don’t, chances are they are doing something you are not. And thats okay. By acknowledging it, we can change it.
Another angle of compensating disguised by criticism in others:
‘Yes they are very attractive, but they probably aren’t very smart’
‘Their relationship looks good but they would have issues behind closed doors’
‘They have their success now, but they’ve probably peaked’
‘They make it look easy but it is probably really hard’
Now. There is nuance here. Being able to balance our perception is important, particularly if you have noticed a tendency to romanticise the circumstances of others, place people on pedestals, or set high expectations for yourself. Recalibrating and looking at the very real possibility that hard work is necessary for success, and everyone faces their own trials and shortcomings just like you is helpful. But the language and angle of perception I took in that last sentence, is a lot different than undermining a persons successes to help you feel better about your perceived lack.
What I’m trying to get at is be careful not to hinder your own progress by sabotaging the effort that is required to grow, and achieve your goals. Automatically jumping to find the reversal of someone’s success negates the hard work that is required to get there. The reality just might be, they did start before you, so their goal was reached ‘earlier’. They may in fact be willing to put in more effort than you currently are. This is where we return to acceptance AND.
Let me rework some of the previous examples.
‘Yes they are very attractive, but they probably aren’t very smart’
Celebrate: They are gorgeous and that’s awesome.
A little more self soothing may sound like: This doesn’t have to relate to me. I’m my own person, with my own aura, energy, and personality. One persons attractiveness does not negate my own. I am happy to celebrate others, just as I wish for others to celebrate me.
Reframe the Compensate: People can be attractive AND smart. That does happen, and I’m not sure why that would be relevant anyway. I was clearly trying to compensate. Instead I return to the celebrate.
Accept AND: I notice that someone else’s attractiveness and recognition is triggering my own feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. That’s interesting. Return to reframe and celebrate.
‘They have their success now, but they’ve probably peaked’
That’s awesome they did that, good on them, I can imagine that would have taken a lot of hard work and would feel really good. I’m allowing this to inspire me to devote more of myself to my goals. This is a great reminder that there is more for me to do, and that is okay, I am getting more disciplined and consistent each day.
‘They make it look easy but it is probably really hard’
Hmm. That’s interesting I assume it has to be hard. No doubt it would have its moments, but what if they have purposely put in the time and effort to create an easy life. What if they have found systems that work and therefore require less input and troubleshooting. Perhaps it was hard, but what if due to their effort and innovation, it is now easy. That’s inspiring, I want that also. New way of thinking unlocked. Thank you!
You may notice a common theme of self-soothing. This comes back to being a team within yourself. You may not notice how often you are at war with yourself, pushing and pulling from opposite sides. This is understandable, seeing as we have our emotional brain and our logical, an ability to reason exists, and we live in a world that plays on it. But it is imperative we maintain the ability to discern, we must do it from the same side, with a common goal, and an air of encouragement.
Week 3 - Notice your need to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Allow others to inspire you, to shift your ways of thinking. Make an active effort to celebrate other’s wins, learn how to look at this objectively without it equating to self comparison.
Week 4 - Expanders
Expanders are people who expand your perception of what is possible.
It is a fact of life that each of us are born within our individualised set of experiences, circumstances, and limitations if you will. This then shapes our capacity.
We can look at this emotionally; as someone who grew up with family members who had no problem displaying their anger, the feeling of anger comes quite easily to me. I have a higher threshold for anger, so what may seem intense and over the top for some, is potentially normal for me.
We can look at it in terms of needs; if you were raised to essentially understand that your needs are not considered important, and will not be met, your capacity to tune in to your own needs would be almost non-existent. The risk of acknowledging your needs comes with the risk of a disappointing and potentially heartbreaking realisation that they are consistently not being met.
And we can look at it from an angle of success, or dreaming big; for those who grew up in a small-town it may be assumed due to limitation of resources, lower income brackets, and lack of opportunity, that big and exciting things just don’t happen to ‘people like us’.
All of these examples show us how the environment in which we are raised shape the stories we are told or are privy to, which in turn shapes the beliefs that we have. Around who we are, what we are capable of, what is expected of us, and what it most ‘likely’ to be the outcome of our lives.
Now, being the practical and pragmatic person I claim to also be, I will say OF COURSE there is such a thing as privilege. OF COURSE circumstances, race, income, gender, etc. put some people at a deficit, causing an innate handicap in the race of life. But this should never temper your worthiness, or ability to desire more for yourself.
What seeking out expanders do, is give you the opportunity to notice the ‘exceptions’ to the ‘rules’ you have allowed to govern you, and what you believe you are capable of.
Finding an expander:
An expander can be any person dead or alive that embodies the reality of what you desire. They are here to serve as a reminder that it IS possible, and it HAS been done.
You do not need to know these people or have a relationship with them, it is simply useful to have their lived example as a reminder that what you want IS possible. So following them online or just drawing on what they represent is perfect.
Some examples are:
You are a single mum with the dream of building an empire. This feels foreign and a little unachievable for you but you are also tapped in to that feeling of hope and capability. While online one day you come across an influencer that happens to be a single mum, earning an income through creating recipes online. She both works hard, and finds time to be an involved parent. She talks a lot about her struggle with building her career but emphasises some really great tips that align with your values. This would be a perfect expander.
You are struggling with addiction issues, and are finding it hard to believe in your ability to change. You go to a meeting, or perhaps are out and about one day and you come across an older person who is 10 years sober. They share their story, it is different to yours but you can relating to the same feelings of hopelessness. Hearing where they have come from and the darkness they have overcome shows you no matter how hard it gets, it is always possible to pull yourself out. And it takes time. This is an expander.
You may have different expanders for different goals. At first you may need to remind yourself of these people, and re-explain why it is important to keep coming back to real life exceptions to your rules and doubts. Then eventually it becomes second nature - of course anything is possible, there are millions of examples of people doing incredible things despite their backgrounds. You can find novelty everywhere at any angle. Just look.
The point is opening your mind to possibility.
Then on top of that, use their journey as a reference of what effort and steps are required. What are your limitations? How can you overcome them? Where can you get creative? What investment of time is needed? How hard did these people work? Will the same be required of you?
Allow it to ground your vision.
Week 4 - Get clear on where you feel limited by your beliefs, where a desire resides within you, and seek people who exemplify that it IS possible and it CAN be done.
Week 5 and onwards- Inner Work (noticing what’s next)
The idea or hope is as you move along the weeks, what you have learnt and taken on is accumulating. Space can certainly be taken to focus more on the new task of the week, but overall, endgame, we want all the new ways of thinking and tools to work synergistically in the background.
So in week 5, I ask you to:
Just practice turning to what you have learnt here. If you are anything like me you may forget about a point entirely, returning days later to remember the concept of say, expanders. ‘Oh yeah, I forgot I was even doing that’. Thats okay, gently return each time you remember. This is fine. As long as it is in our tool belt - meaning it is there when we need it.
It is likely as we become increasingly aware of our tendencies, desires, limitations, emotional states, etc. We will feel the weight of what is required of us. Noticing areas of incompletion, heaviness, disappointment, frustration. Take note of this. This will likely be your next step forward, your side quest/s. Are you noticing people pleasing tendencies? Are traumatic experiences from the past resurfacing? Are you feeling a lot of tension around money? This is good. Lean in to the resistance, and when you are ready seek the resources that can assist you. Hopefully I have some available, or you can always let me know what you need / would be interested in.
Week 5 and onwards - Gently return to the practices as you remember them. Continue to notice. Follow the resistance. Pay attention to side quests.
RECAP
Notice
Notice your stories
Notice your words
Notice how you affect people
Notice what comes naturally
Notice your wins
Notice the progress
See every set back as valuable information. Your disappointment proves your desire to change.
Accept and add an action
Feel your capability
Lean in to effort
Celebrate others so you may celebrate yourself
Neutralise others successes, it doesn’t have to always come back to you
Expand your capacity
I believe in you, this is exciting, life wants the best for you. If you need an outlet, feel free to feelings dumb in the comments. I would love to hear from you in any way - questions, thoughts, experiences, what you’d like to see next.